PET LOSS

ANIMAL PSYCHOLOGIST

The bond between pet and human is often a very deep and loving one. When a pet dies or is lost for what ever reason, humans are most often at a loss as to how to deal with the emotions and pain that accompany this situation. Counseling can help guide you through the grief process and provide information about dealing with the loss and, as the healing continues, help establish new relationships and patterns in life. Remember our pets wait at Rainbow Bridge.

Animals are Messengers of the Universe. They can teach us so much, if we are willing to pay attention. Unconditional love is one of their biggest gifts to us, but they have so many things to teach us. Death is another lesson they give us help on. Most pets lifespans are shorter than their human friends. Here they can help us understand and take the first steps toward dealing with the unknown doorway of death. Animals, like humans, don't die, their energy simply changes form.

In our society we are expected to shake off the passing of a pet almost immediately, yet often this tragedy is felt as strongly as if a human family member had died. This feeling of loss can be intense enough to cause emotional and physical reactions and disturbances.

How we react and what we do in regard to this loss can have long term effects on our lives. The most important thing to remember is that these pets have been an integral part of our lives and we must re-pattern our behavior and daily routine. This does not happen instantaneously so give yourself time to mourn the passing of this faithful and devoted friend.

Many people tend to suppress or hide their feelings of distress and pain because of embarrassment or fear of rejection by their friends or co-workers. By not accepting and dealing with these feelings, we allow the pain to go unrelieved. Our attitudes and behavior reflect this hidden pain. Unreleased pain or grief stays with us and manifests often in negative ways.

Remember, others in the family are feeling this loss too, even other pets, so spend some time comforting each other. Think back on all the memories you have built up, both problems and happy thoughts.

FIVE REACTIONS TO PET LOSS: (Denial - Guilt - Anger - Depression - Acceptance)

DENIAL: I can't believe it! Maybe there has been a mistake! You may find yourself pretending or hoping it didn't happen, you may expect your pet to come bouncing in at any moment. You may set out food, call his name, imagine you hear him at the door.

These are normal reactions if not taken to extremes. You do not break long standing patterns of behavior in a day or two.

If this is a sudden shocking death, you may need to see your pet's body so you can accept the finality of his passing. If there is a missing link in the process (he was fine and then he was killed by a car and removed before you came) you may feel that your pet didn't really die.

If you had to put your pet to sleep, you will most likely want to blank the moment of decision from your mind. You will find yourself denying responsibility and looking for someone to blame. Sometimes a pet's attitudes and reactions are too dangerous to keep them in a social environment. When this happens it is a difficult duty to insure that they are not mistreated, abused or allowed to harm others. Putting these socially maladjusted animals to sleep is sometimes the kindest method to insure this.

(FOCUS): Accept the fact that everything that lives must die. Death is not an ending, just a different environment. Animals have shorter lifespans than humans and perhaps that is part of the program of bonding with pets, to allow us to experience and come to grips with what death means and is.

Realize that you were responsible for giving food, shelter, comfort, training and love to your pet companion. If a time came when you took responsibility for humanely ending his time on Earth, that difficult duty too was done in love and caring.

FEELING GUILTY: You feel responsible for your pet. Pets are dependent on their owners for food, shelter, health care,attention, training, affection so when your pet dies you feel you could or should have done something more.

(FOCUS): Relive the relationship you shared with your pet. Remember what you were able to provide during this period. Bring the association into focus, what did you learn from this relationship?

What did you provide that helped your pet? Look at photos, relate stories to those who will listen. Listen to yourself as you speak, was this a good, positive relationship? If so, enjoy the happiness it brought to you and realize it takes both you and your pet to release that happiness. Be proud of your relationship.

If these were negative situations in this relationship, go over what you have learned or what you need to learn and realize our pets are often very good teachers.

FEELING ANGRY: Often when things go wrong we feel the need to accuse someone or something. There must be someone to blame, something you can hold responsible for your pet's death and the pain you feel.

You want a target to vent your pain and rage. At times this anger comes out in a totally detached way. You blow up at a car on the freeway or at your boss or mate for no reason at all.

(FOCUS): Realize emotions must come to the surface to release. If you are trying to cover your pain and go on with your life, you most likely will find someone or something to get angry at. Talk your feelings out with a friend or counselor, explore all the ideas and emotions you are feeling. It's O.K. to think strange thoughts and be really angry at death. Let these emotions come out through releasing techniques, find times and places to release this anger or turn this energy into a positive action.

DEPRESSION: I just want to quit. I don't care anymore. I'm numb, I can't feel, respond, or think. Depression is a normal part of grieving. When you grieve you tend to pull your feelings and emotions inside and withdraw from everyone, sometimes including family and friends.

You are sometimes quieter, lethargic, you don't eat or sleep well, or you cry a lot. If this were a human family member that passed away, your friends would bring food to the house, sit quietly with you and let you get over the shock. BUT If it is a pet, your friends are likely to invite you to dinner or a lively party or buy you a replacement pet.

Very Bad Ideas, but they were meant as good intentions.

(FOCUS): Withdrawal and feelings of loss and emptiness are normal reactions you should expect. This reaction serves a very positive purpose. It gives you time to think about your pet, his death and put it in realistic perspective. Then and only then are you comfortable in releasing your bond and tie to him. But remember, your pet is not really dead. Pets wait for us at Rainbow Bridge to make them happy, your life must go on.

ACCEPTANCE: Think about your relationship with your pet. What type of companion was your pet?
1) A Security Blanket - Often pets become security blankets for their owners. This is O.K. Large dogs can present a deterrent to strangers entering your area. All pets can warn you of something unusual happening. If this is the relationship you had with your departed pet, you will find that on top of the other feelings of loss you may become stressed by the feeling of lack of protection. If this happens, do not immediately go out to find another protector. You won't find what you are looking for.

Instead face the problem. Do you need protection? From what? How could you fill this need temporarily for 3 to 6 months? Can you become more secure within yourself? These are all things to think about.
2) A Child - Many pets become substitute children. This fills a gap when a person finds himself alone quite a bit. Pets as children give their owners an outlet for nurturing behavior and become best friends to these people. Again there is nothing wrong with this relationship, but it makes the loss extremely difficult for the owner. Remember, you can NEVER replace a pet and going out to get a new pet can often be the worst possible move you can make.

The new pet cannot possibly live up to the friend that just passed on, and most often resentment develops as the new pet touches toys or sleeps on a favorite bed. It is best to give a period of grieving of from 3 to 6 months before beginning to choose a new pet.
3) Link to another - Pets can represent the person who gave you the pet, as in the case of a cat that was a gift from your mate. If that mate has left or died, the pet becomes a physical tie to the memory of that person. When the pet dies you experience a double grief effect because it brings back the loss of the person as well as the loss of the pet. If you find this is the case, accept the situation and mourn for both parties. Get out photos, tell stories, try to remember the positive, enjoyable relationships you have had with both your pet and the person.
Positive attitudes help release the grief and stress of parting.
4) Reason for being - Unfortunately there are times when a person develops a strong bond with a pet that excludes others in their life. When this happens the person tends to just live for the pet. When the pet dies, there are few ties or relationships for this person to fall back on. This often happens when a person has suffered severe trauma or losses, and ultimately considers the pet the only stable being in their life. This can also happen to elderly people who have gone through different types and levels of loss: friends, career, mobility, health.

Realize that humans need social relationships. We determine, at least a part of our worth, by our interactions with others (human or animal). We need somewhat consistent relationships so we can structure our lives. A person with this type of pet relationship will need some companionship for a longer period of time until they can replace the void left by this pet companion.

MAKING PLANS FOR THE FUTURE

It is O.K. to grieve for your pet. Realize that thinking about him and remembering all the times you spent together are healing memories.

Do not try to replace your pet. You cannot replace a special, individual creature. You can have another pet, but don't expect the new friend to fill the gap left by your departed pet. Each animal is an individual, unique unto himself. Enjoy each to the fullest, because they are unique, not because they are so like another. Think how you would feel if a friend of yours kept saying "You are just like Suzie. That's why I like you." Think about it!

Wait three to six months before getting another pet if possible. Realize that the sooner you get a new pet, the more you will tend to compare it to your last. Are you being fair to the new one?

When you feel it is time to add a new animal companion to your family, try to get one that is different in various ways from your last pet. Get a different type of animal, or a different color, sex, or personality.

Remember do not fall into the trap of trying to get a carbon-copy of a past beloved pet. It won't work and you will be disappointed with the results.

It is important to realize how much a pet adds to our lives. Many people say "Never again! I put my heart into that little fellow and now I am devastated. I will not love like that again." This is a natural feeling, but realize how much you got from the relationship.

Having a pet companion adds so much to our lives:

1) Your blood pressure goes down when you hold a pet.

2) Studies prove people respond to healing treatment far faster when they have a pet to help them recover.

3) You have a friend who responds to you with unconditional love.

4) Studies prove pet owners are more active and healthier than non-pet owners.

5) Animals teach us to get in touch with our feelings.

6) Pets offer a certain security in our environment no matter how small they may be. At least someone is there to share your space with you. There are many other reasons to share our lives with animal companions.

This has been just a few ideas to consider before you decide when and if you will get another pet.

I understand the upset and pain your pet's passing has brought to you, but try to realize your pet is not dead. Life continues, energy patterns simply change and because of this change, we are not as likely to be aware of the vibrational pattern that has evolved. Do not be surprised if you feel your pet around,sounds that make you think your pet is in the house or even see your pet. No you are not crazy, you are experiencing a magical touch or bond that simply links you to another reality, if only for an instant.

Copyright 8/89 - Revised 1998 Kay K. Cox

Please Email me if you have comments, suggestions or feel the need for further counseling.
Thank You, Kay Cox

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